Hanging On, and Letting Go

One of my favorite apparatus in the childhood playground is the swing.  The wind in my face, the thrill and danger of pushing higher and higher, the relief when I let go, the confidence of knowing exactly when it was safe to jump off. And the final landing in the soft sand. Thump. The solid ground beneath my feet.

Will it surprise you to know that some perfectly healthy looking children never get the hang of the swing? It takes coordination, strength, confidence and trust. It takes knowing when to hang on and push, and when to just relax and let go. Not all my children learned how to master the swing. Some of them Never even liked it, it was too risky, too dangerous. They hung on for dear life, never letting go, so never enjoying the surge of reward as the enjoyed the freedom of the upswing.

There is a time to hang on, and a time to let go. I realized last week I’m ready to let go of some things, let go of my death grip of some people. In its simplest form, forgiveness, is letting go.

We seem to be back on the  “project” list of our ward council (our congregation’s leadership). There was a time our family really needed this service. But we weren’t able to adequately express our specific needs, and they weren’t able to perceive accurately what we needed. In this frustrating exchange of both parties hitting and missing (mostly missing) the mark of our aim, both parties suffered casualties. I’ve been informed that we hurt them, just as they hurt us. I’m sorry for that. While I am not excusing it, it must be noted that our only intent was a desperate, frantic grasp for help, ANY help, yes we were so wounded, so entrenched in immediate danger and catastrophe, that we were not capable of communicating with and guiding our rescuers. Their life line missed its mark, and we had to reach for the life line sent us from other, unexpected and non-traditional sources–the lifeline from strangers, not of our faith, not of our close family.

I will be eternally grateful for our lifeline. I’m getting better, I’m on my way. Maybe not completely on safe ground yet, but also not drowning. I want to thank all those who sent out lifelines, both the ones that reached  us and the ones that missed us. Intent matters. Even though many of the missed attempts were quite painful, intent matters, at least it matters to me. And I’m ready and willing to let go of the resentment and pain. Go in peace, thank you for trying. The time is now passed. I forgive you, please forgive me, and let me go. I don’t need saving any more, I’m finding my way, and it’s working for me. I’m sorry it isn’t your way. Please rejoice with me that I’m finding my way.

Re-establishing trust is a different matter. It takes work and time. Time that I no longer have at my disposal. I don’t have time or energy for meeting, for long visits, for explaining what I’ve  been trying to explain repeatedly the last three years. I don’t have the reserves, or the desire for assuaging any feeling of guilt our old support system may have. That’s not my sandwich, not my responsibility, not my problem. I empathize, truly, but I can not help. They will have to come to terms with their own feelings of guilt and failure in the same manner that I have. They messed up, whether they know it or not (please understand “they” are by no means “all” since there are many who were there for us, or at the very least kindly and mercifully just stayed out of the way of the rescue effort), but others stepped in. Let us all learn our lessons and move on, let go.

I don’t want and no longer need interviews and approval from my Bishopric, visiting teachers, home teachers, visits from the missionaries, callings, or offers for help outside of my needs list. I know when and what to hang on to, and I know when to let go. I am a master of the swing! I know how high to go, and when to jump. I know what feels good, and what doesn’t. I no longer need anyone to push me, to catch me or to coach me. I even know when I enjoy a friend swinging with me and when I enjoy being alone. I know how to recognize when there are other next to me who need help learning to swing. I’m good at helping and teaching. I like teaching. I like helping others. I also like helping myself. Please please please, LET ME GO FREE!!

15 thoughts on “Hanging On, and Letting Go

  1. Dear Talya,
    Having just worked with Rachel & Matthew on the swing, I understand and appreciate what you are saying. you have my love and respect.

      • Dear Talya,
        Yes they are a grandparent’s dream. Rachel continually cracks me up with her logic and humor and Matt ‘s smile and eyes go straight to my heart. We miss them and their parents, but had a great visit…….and yes swinging does involve going forward and back…..love Laurie”s analogy

        Continued love and prayers,

        Judy

  2. I am glad you are finding some peace. Can I ask for something for those of us who want to help? Will you please make new needs lists when there are new things to add, or things you don’t need any more?

    I love you! You are an inspiration in the midst of my trials. You have given me do much. I hope I can serve you in ways that you most need. If I miss the mark, you can always tell me. My skin is think enough that I can take it. ;-)

    • Absolutely! I’m not sure why it is so difficult to post my needs, But I’m trying to teach myself, there is no shame in asking for help. Thank you for your friendship and kindness. Hit and miss is part of life, but yes, I like how we can be open and straightforward with each other.

  3. Just wanted you to know that we may not be on the same swingset, or even the same playground all the time, but we are cheering you on and anxious to see you and your family soar! But in the meantime, swinging is going forward AND backward isn’t it? I pray that you all enjoy the times when you feel the wind and the sun, and hang on tight the rest of the time. Lots of love and prayers for all of you.

    • Thank you Laurie, you have certainly done more that your fair share of support, and I love you for it. becuase I try to be general and generic in my blog, sometimes the “blanket” covers more people that I would care for it to. I hope those that have not missed their mark (like you) know it, and those who have missed know that I honestly hold no hard feelings toward them. The majority of this pain falls squarely on the perpetrators of our family, not those trying to send a lifeline.

      • Thank you. I worry often that we are not doiing more – but you know and I know that life is all about not just priorities, but also demands on our time that we don’t always have control over. You and yours are almost constantly on my mind and in my prayers.

  4. There is a rapture about watching you evolve from one entity whose happiness and peace were stolen into another who has taken possession of herself and her family’s right to happiness and freedom from fear. It is a joy for me.

    • It has lessoned the “growing pains” to grow up under the watchful, loving eyes of my Fairy Godmother. :) I consider it the choicest of blessings.

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