Tags
abuse cycle, Forgiveness, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life, Sidney B. Simon, Suzanne Simon
Chapter two of Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life” by Sidney B. Simon, and Suzanne Simon. Before I delve into the steps of healing that will lead to forgiveness the authors recommend I explore how and who has hurt me.
top eight hits on the ‘hurt’ parade—disappointment, rejection, abandonment, ridicule, humiliation, betrayal, deception, and abuse
So, Fairabnks pretty much checked all those off. Family, religious leaders, and the justice system were sure to put nails to close away and burry my hurt coffin. But wait! There’s more!
As I explored what happened to my children, I started seeing patterns in my own life.
What horror, to realize that my entire life, I have unknowingly attracted people would disappoint, reject, abandon, ridicule, humiliate, betray, deceive, and abuse me.
Boe too.
How could that be? Who were these oppressors?
- None other than:
- Parents
- Lovers
- Siblings
- friends and friends of family
- teachers
- co-workers
- employers
- ecclesiastical leaders
- organizations/government
In other words, those closest and most vital to my survival.
I’m betting that if you carefully review this list you’ll be able to check off many similar hurts as well as hurt-ers.
If it happens to most of us why does it matter?
The way we adapted to hurtful circumstances served us at the time. The adjustments we made in attitude and behavior helped us survive. Problems have arisen, however, because many of us still think and act the way we did back then—even though it no longer serves us and may even hurt us now. This last statement, which applies to any way we were hurt by anyone, is why what we have done and continue to do because we were hurt has made a difference in our lives. What kind of difference? The next chapter answers that question, giving us a glimpse at the walking wounded all too many of us have become.
Julia said:
I see one person missing from your list: YOU! We are always much harder on ourselves than those who judge us. We think that since we know every detail of every “dirty little secret” that we must stand as own judge and jury.
The best thing about adding yourself to the list is that you have something on it that YOU can change. Since we only have control over ourselves, we can start learning forgiveness, and practicing forgiveness, with someone who will understand if it takes a while and it is awkward at first.
So, here comes the bossy part:
Add yourself to the list my sister, and then use yourself as your guinea pig as you learn this new skill.
When I played tennis in middle school our coach always said that if we wanted to learn to be accurate in where we placed the ball, that we should choose a wall and play against ourselves as much as possible. It isn’t that we didn’t practice with other members of the team. It is just that we couldn’t create the “muscle memories” of how it feels to make a particular swing unless we do it over and over.
You have said before that it is hardest for you to forgive yourself, so start with the hardest first, let your spirit learn to stretch the mental and emotional “muscle memories” in you. Then, when you know how to forgive yourself, because you have practiced it until it becomes second nature, then you can start working on the rest of your list, using your stronger forgiveness ability.
So, take a deep breath, make a list of the things you need you tell youself you need to forgive in yourself. As you mark things off the list, keep a journal or file of what the struggle was, how you overcame it, and what the feeling was when you were able to forgive yourself. This will help you as you strengthen your forgiveness muscles, and remind you of what your spiritual fitness routine was at the time.
I hope I haven’t mixed metaphors too much. My mother is an English teacher who gently teases me about my tendency to use more than one.
Keep fighting the good fight! I know you and Bo have the intellectual ability to understand the processes involved in forgiving each other It is the emotional literacy that you are struggling with now. It is a hard assignment that our Heavenly Father gives to each of His children. No matter what our circumstances are we have to learn to forgive ourselves and others, and we have to give those around us a generous dose of the benefit of the doubt, so that Christ will be that generous when He advocates for us with Heavenly Father.
Ruth said:
I mix metaphors all the time too.
Having an English teacher as a mom could be quite a blessing. But I can totally relate to the voice they leave with you…sentence structure, audience, purpose…we Carry our mentors words along with us for years after venturing out on our own merits.
I had no idea I wasn’t on my list! It’s a telling oversight. I whole-heartedly agree! Nefore reading this book I read Wendy Ulrich’s “Forgiving Ourselves–Getting Back Up when We Let Ourselves Down”. She offers a very concrete approach, with exercises along the way as way. It really helped open my eyes to many misperceptions, particularly in LDS theology. It was very validating and avoided the overly sweet/unrealistic or overly condeming/shaming tone that so many LDS self help books have. But obviously it takes more time and effort than the couple weeks it took to read the book. I really like your approach of practicing on myself, since I believe strongly that it is only through forgiving myself that I can know how to forgive others.
More than anything the gift I have gleaned from both if these excellent books is that repentance and forgiveness are processes, not concrete destinations. Mountains we must learn to live with and navigate, rather than eliminate. Repentance and forgiveness are not simple tasks that can be checked off like your “to do” list. So yes, what better way to practice than on myself! Thank you
Julia said:
The post and the comment thread made me think of you.
http://bycommonconsent.com/2012/05/23/to-see-face-to-face/
I hope that with summer break starting that you will get a chance to get into a routine with your sons that gives all of you some downtime/reflection time each day. I keep wishing we were close enough for me to sit with your sons and read them some of my favorite books from when I was there age, or whatever they are into. I have always loved to read, but having someone read to me was always soothing too. Okay, stop rambling Julia. Yes, ma’am.
Hang in there, and don’t forget that as you work on forgiving yourself that you will feel more capable of extending that to others. Sending hugs from Oregon!