Tags
child sexual abuse, Christian, Forgiveness, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life, forgiving, parable of the unforgiving servant
Have you ever wondered why we are commanded to forgive? In the many talks I’ve heard and read in my Church regarding the subject, I’ve noticed a distinct lack of clarification and a lot of contradictory counsel on forgiveness. Like many Mormon and Christian youth, I was taught to repent, in very concrete steps. But no one taught me how to forgive–myself or others. I was simply told I needed to do it…”be cause God says so.” I heard the oft quoted parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:23-35 (oh my Druid friend will hate me for doing that…) that basically says that God will forgive you as much as you forgive others. It’s a great parable, but where exactly does it leave me? What does forgiveness mean? Why is forgiveness important? Why is it so difficult? And how in the world do we go about it? And finally, why is it that while repentance is given quite a bit of attention in my Church, with concrete methodology, why does the companion forgiveness gets left completely to our own interpretation?
I’m not sure I’ll ever get the answers to ALL these questions, but I’d like to give it a go in my next few posts. I have found some answers from a refreshingly secular approach in the book, “Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life” by Sidney B. Simon, and Suzanne Simon, and encourage you to read along with me. And no, I am in n way affiliated with the authors, books, Amazon, and certainly do not officially speak for or in behalf of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Phshew…glad that’s over….
I’ll start with chapter 1 (where else?)
What forgiveness is not:
- giving up
- giving in
- wimping out
- admitting defeat
- forgetting
- absolving
- condoning
- letting the bad guys get away
- a form of self-sacrifice
- clear-cut and one-time decision/concrete
- for the benefit of those who have hurt us
Like many God-given gifts, forgiveness cannot be forced.
As comprehensive as I am, I may have missed a couple of things. Help me out? I will add them to the the list (if I agree *self-righteous grin*) as I get comments.
Julia said:
I would add forgiveness is not taking responsibility for another’s actions, not a way to feel happy or glad about an experience, does not have a time limit, cannot be coerced, has no effect on those we are forgiving (unless it is ourselves), should not be out of guilt, and is not an act or ritual we perform. It is not an external process that can be observed objectively and cannot be judged by any one of than Christ. It cannot be confirmed or feel complete because another person says it is, unless it is confirmed by the promptings of the Holly Ghost.
You can decide if any of these things ring true for you or not.
Ruth said:
Absolutely agree with ALL of it! Thank you for adding these. I look forward to adding them to the list!
poetrysansonions said:
I thought of another thing today, forgiveness is not saying that you agree with, or deserved the thing that happened to you.
Pingback: What, Why, and How to Forgive, part one « My Victim Impact Statement
Teresa Marie said:
Hmmm…forgiveness, for me, is when I decide I’m sick of living with the negative feelings coming from it and don’t want to rent head space to something anymore. Am I perfect at it? Not by a long shot, though as I practice it it does get easier. One thing that helps for me is to weigh how important it is to me to hold onto those feelings vs. other things I can focus on in my life. Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot less need to hold onto the negative feelings. As I’ve been slowly coming out of my dark times I’m learning to be happy again and part of that has been letting go of negative feelings toward others, and particularly letting go of the feeling that it’s MY job to make sure the other person knows how badly they have made myself or those I love feel. Part of it is putting it into God’s hands and washing my hands of it…and part of it, I believe, has been an answer to my prayers asking God to help me see others as He does…(long way to go on that one!). Anyway, a few scattered thoughts on this topic.
Now it’s time for me to learn to write more clearly.
Hugs,
Teresa Marie
Ruth said:
I like that, Teresa, and it makes perfect sense to me! What you say is very close to how the book also approaches forgiveness. The authors state that until a person is healed, they are really not capable of forgiving. If they have simply moved on, but still carry the inappropriate behaviors and coping/survival skills that they picked up due to being hurt, then they are stuck in denial, not enjoying the gift of forgiveness. So when you say that now that you are feeling better and further along in your own recovery, it makes sense that forgiving and letting go are more reachable for you. I’ve seen a similar pattern with my own journey, and it give me hope that forgiving will come in its due course.