There are days that I am disappointed to wake up. There are days that there is nothing to look forward to. There are days, many days, that living has lost its meaning.
I guess I come off as hostile. At least that’s what my new lawyer told me today, and I see no reason why she would lie about that.
Coming off as being hostile really hurts. It hurts SOOOO much. I don’t want to be hostile. I never wanted to be hostile. While I love lively discussion, and spicy exchange, I dislike hostility. No!! I REALLY UBER dislike hostility!
Today I’m so done with this pointless struggle and journey, I just want it over, I done begging for crumbs and being judged for it. I’m done not being believed and looked at as ignorant white trash,
I’m NOT hostile!! I’m NOT a porcupine! I’m NOT I’m NOT I’m NOT! I’m a nice person! I used to be strong and healthy, or at least good at pretending. I was. I hate this wounded needy person I’ve become and I’ve tried so hard to change,
But I’m so tired, and so scared, with so little to look forward to,
Every time I see a mission announcement, a wedding announcement, any sort of good news and accomplishment. I just was to scream in agony, “I will never have that!!!” It hurts, because I wanted it…I worked for it…my whole life was devoted to it. And it slipped through my fingers with a stroke of bad luck.
No gold medal for me…no bronze…no where near the champions. No wanting it badly enough will change reality,
This post may self destruct when I get my crazy meds, a little sleep, and my hormones balanced. But this is what is buried within me at any given moment, this is the dragon that always lurks deep inside me, This is depression. And I’ve lived with it all my life,